Tantrum of the Week

Law Enforcement Culture and Parenting: When a Sleepover results in a Standoff

• Lynn McLean, LCSW-S, Registered Play Therapist-Supervisor ™ • Episode 6

Share episode

A police dad says no to a sleepover without parents home, and a ten-year-old explodes. We show how to hold a firm safety rule, calm the storm, and offer choices that protect connection without caving.

• law enforcement as a distinct family culture shaping safety rules
• why tweens crave belonging and autonomy at sleepovers
• de-escalation first: pause, breathe, lower words
• reflect feelings instead of lecturing after a tantrum
• validate the loss while holding a clear boundary
• offer aligned choices: attend during supervision or host at home
• name your lens and your values without judging other families
• teach scripts that help kids navigate different house rules
• build trust through empathy plus consistency

Comment, subscribe, and email us about your kids' Tantrum of the Week
Be sure to grab your free copy of why the latest parenting trends aren't working for you and what you might try instead at the link in the show notes
Send us your kids' tantrum of the week—we just might feature you on an upcoming episode


Thanks for listening to *Tantrum of the Week* with Lynn McLean, LCSW-S, Registered Play Therapist–Supervisor™.

New episodes each week to help parents understand and respond to their child’s biggest feelings with calm, confidence, and connection.

Learn more about play therapy and parent coaching in Houston, Texas: https://www.houstonfamilytherapyassociates.com/

Follow us on Instagram: @lmcleanlcsw

Check us out on Facebook: Lynn M. McLean, LCSW

📩 Join our email list for parenting tips and updates: https://lynnmclean.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ If you found this helpful, please follow, rate, and share the podcast to help other parents find support.

SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to the Tantrum of the Week podcast, where we talk about the latest tantrum erupting at your house and give you quick ideas about what's happening and how to help them go away. I'm Lynn McLean. I'm a child therapist and parent coach, and I've helped lots of parents manage lots of tantrums. We talk about real tantrums every podcast and give you pro tips about how to manage them. I'm so glad you're here. This episode of Tantrum of the Week talks about a family who has a parent in law enforcement, and they have a definite culture of wanting their family to be safe and to have a rule-based approach to safety at their house. We don't think often of law enforcement as a culture, but it definitely is. It's a distinct group that has its own experiences and norms and ideas. And that's what this dad is experiencing with this week's tantrum. We have a dad who's, as I mentioned, in law enforcement, and their 10-year-old son has decided that they would like to go to a sleepover that they've been invited to. And parent has asked some more questions. Dad's finding out what all the details are and has found out that the parents are going to be gone for a portion of the evening. They'll be there for dinner, but then they're going to have to go out and they will have an older sibling supervising the kids at the sleepover at a time that they will be probably, maybe, asleep. Unfortunately, Dad has decided that it's not safe for Jake, his son, to go to another kid's house if the parents are not physically there and supervising. And so has to say, no, you can't go to this sleepover. Jake understandably explodes and yells, it's not fair. Nobody else's parents even care about this. Whitey, you're always embarrassing me. And he leaves and slams his door. This is so hard. And I really understand this from both of their perspectives. Dad really sees a lot of things in his job and knows that parental supervision is so important. And knows that keeping track of what's happening in the places where his kid is really crucial to his sense of perceived safety for his child. So that's the rule. And he's not willing to break it. Jake is 10. He really wants to be in with his buddies. So some of his best friends are there. They're going to be playing the favorite video games. And it feels like a real privilege to be able to go and sleep over at this friend's house with all of his other buddies. So both of them are in a position of feeling really difficult in a difficult situation and feeling like they're right. And you know what? In a way, they absolutely both are. So let's talk about what to do in the moment, what to think about with regard to how come it's all happening, and how to maybe apply all of that to the future so we can avoid some of this happening. Again, you can think about how to head off tantrums. It's not cheating to set yourself up for success. So in the moment, let's just say that Jake hasn't broken any big rules. So running off, yelling at dad, slamming the door, it may not be ideal, but let's just say that in this household, those are not big rules to have been broken. So there is not a need to set an immediate limit for safety. And dad can take a moment, which I think is so important, to calm down. He's probably feeling a lot of different things that his child reacted this way to a rule that he knows. They've talked about it as a family. This was not a surprise to Jake. Also, like genuine concern for his child. You want him to be happy. We don't set out to make rules to make them feel really sad. And nine times out of ten, we don't want them to miss really important things with their friends. We don't want that to go on. And rules are rules, and this dad has really solid rules. He sees a lot of stuff in his job and knows that he wants his kid to be safe. So all of this is probably rolling through his mind at lightning speed, and he's probably not able to completely process it. So just take it a moment to be like, I'm mad at this kid. I'm in the right here. He knew this was what was supposed to happen, and I can't believe he even asked me this without knowing that this older brother was supposed to be watching them. Instead of all of that, just take a minute, breathe. Set all that to the side for right now. Okay, I rate. He did calm himself down enough to move away. He didn't keep yelling at me. He didn't break anything. All right, calming down. All of the calming down can really help give Jake a minute too. And so Jake has removed himself from the situation. He's probably getting a little bit of equilibrium back. Dad can then join him once he's calm enough. And being together, they can really help each other calm down, believe it or not. Dad really being calm can help Jake start to regain his regulation. And when they're easy enough, calm enough, they can breathe, then you can start to talk about things. Now would not be the time for dad to remind Jake of all the important reasons why this rule is in place in the household. It's not the time to remind him that it's never okay to yell at him and that he shouldn't be running off and closing doors, that they expect him to be more grown up than that. Now is really the time to just reflect his feelings. This is really hard. And stop talking. I get it. You really wanted to go. Stop talking. Give Jake a chance to process through this because sometimes reflecting those feelings is literally just helping them understand how they are feeling, and it can help them calm down more. When they are just fresh off of a tantrum, it's not the time to remind them that actually they really knew all this stuff. And so why are you acting like this now? It's the time just to be with them, help them see what's happening, and then you can move on and talk about different options in a couple minutes. While we're thinking about all of that, thinking about where everybody's coming from can help us really understand all the perspectives. Said before, I really feel for everybody in this scenario, which honestly I typically do. I think that parents in law enforcement they see things in a different way than a lot of other parents do. So it's not that Jake's friends' parents are negligent or wrong for setting up older brother to watch the kids during the sleepover. It's just that Jake's dad has a perspective and has an eye on things in a different way. So knowing that about himself can really help him start to have a little more understanding of Jake's experience with his friends and his friends' parents. I think that knowing that other parents may have different boundaries and different norms, you can talk to your kids about that as well and say, Yeah, I know it's different there. And different feels not unfair a lot of the time. This is just how it is at our house. And knowing that's part of the conversation, it can help set you up in a different way versus criticizing your child because they're not wanting to follow your rules. Instead, it's just saying, I know it's different. Absolutely. It helps us connect with them in a different way. Thinking of where Jake's coming from, we don't think of 10-year-olds a lot of times as being in a pre-adolescent stage, but really these tweens are. And they are in the throes of really connecting with their peer groups and feeling, okay, I'm gonna be more independent. A sleepover is a great chance for some autonomy. It can feel so fun to be able to think, okay, I'm gonna go hang out, we're gonna have pizza, play our video games, and it's gonna be the best time to just be uninterrupted with my buddies. So thinking about how he's feeling about all that, and then to have it taken away is really hard. Another thing that tweens are doing is comparing themselves to peers and thinking about the embarrassment of great, my dad is so strict because he's a police officer. That's embarrassing to Jake, and it might help make him feel set apart from his friends, which is another really rotten feeling when you're this age. And especially when you were really looking forward to this time with your friends. So we've really got an idea of both of them and where they're coming from, and some empathy for them. What you can do then if you're Jake's dad is really explaining the why and remembering that empathy, remembering the feelings that Jake is having. So I really get it. You really wanted to go. This sounds like so much fun, and you really thought it would be okay that his brother was gonna be there. I think maybe it felt embarrassing that I called his dad and asked some questions and then told you you couldn't go. And I think it feels really hard not to be able to be there. All of this is just reflecting how Jake is feeling, and again, you see the empathy. You really want it to be validating what he's feeling. He's not bad because he wants to do this. Now, let me be clear: it's not okay for him to go. This is a rule in the family, this is a rule that parents have set, and it's a rule that they should hold. There are great reasons and great family values around this, and it should stay in place. Again, Jake's not bad because he wants to do it, it's just not going to be okay. I think offering choices that are okay with parents might be an option here. So Jake's old enough to have some good ideas. So it may be that he could go for the portion of the evening that the parents will be there. Dad could communicate. Oh, okay, what time are y'all needing to leave? What time is older brother gonna step in? Great, you know what? I'll come get Jake at that time. Jake may not love it. It's not gonna feel great to him, but that might be a better option than not getting to go at all. It also might be that, okay, he can't go this time. Maybe it's too hard to leave early. You know what? We could have kids come over to our house. I can be there all weekend, kids can come, mom and I will be there to supervise, we can tell their parents, y'all can come and do the same thing at our house in a couple weeks. So maybe that feels like a decent option. Not ideal. Jake may not love it, but you know what? It offers him some perspective that, you know, I care about what you want. And our rules are our rules because I want to keep you safe. I think that really knowing why you hold the rule that you do keeps you solid, keeps you firm. But responding with some empathy and responding with some appropriate choices can help your child feel heard. It also helps build that muscle of delaying gratification. So even though they are super upset and not okay with your holding the rule in your household, it does help when you just respond with calmness and say, I know, you know what? It's how it is. I think it feels hard sometimes for me to be a police officer and I have this expectation for you, and I'm gonna keep you safe. It can help them start to be like, all right, all right, this is how it is with my dad. And there are ways then that I can be with my friends in a way that's okay with our family rules. Understanding where everybody's coming from can just really give you so much perspective and ability to navigate these kinds of situations in the future. I'm so glad you were here for this episode of Tantrum of the Week. I'd love to know if any of this happens at your house and how you handle it. Comment, subscribe, and email us about your kids' Tantrum of the Week. We'd love to hear about your passionate kids. And even though I am a real play therapist, this episode is not therapy. There are lots of amazing professionals, and I recommend that you contact them if your family needs that kind of support. Be sure to grab your free copy of why the latest parenting trends aren't working for you and what you might try instead. At the link in the show notes. And be sure to send us your kids' tantrum of the week. We just might feature you on an upcoming episode. We'll see you next time at the Tantrum of the Week.