Tantrum of the Week

Why Do I Have To Share?

• Lynn McLean, LCSW-S, Registered Play Therapist-Supervisor ™

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0:00 | 9:15

Why Do I Have to Share?

In this episode of Tantrum of the Week, Lynn McLean explores a common and exhausting parenting moment: a four-year-old who melts down when a younger sibling picks up a toy they weren’t even using.

When screaming, grabbing, or pushing happens, parents are often left wondering how to stop the behavior and teach important lessons about sharing, generosity, and turn-taking. This episode explains what’s really going on beneath these sibling toy battles and how to respond in ways that actually help children learn.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

  • Why sharing is developmentally hard for young children
  • What to do immediately when hitting or pushing happens
  • Why teaching lessons during a tantrum doesn’t work
  • How turn-taking helps kids feel secure and reduces meltdowns
  • How true sharing grows when children feel they have enough

If sibling fights over toys are a regular struggle in your home, this episode will help you feel calmer, clearer, and more confident about how to handle them.

This content is for educational purposes only and is not therapy.

Thanks for listening to *Tantrum of the Week* with Lynn McLean, LCSW-S, Registered Play Therapist–Supervisor™.

New episodes each week to help parents understand and respond to their child’s biggest feelings with calm, confidence, and connection.

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SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to the Tantrum of the Week podcast, where we talk about the latest tantrum erupting at your house and give you quick ideas about what's happening and how to help them go away. I'm Lynn McLean. I'm a child therapist and parent coach, and I've helped lots of parents manage lots of tantrums. We talk about real tantrums every podcast and give you pro tips about how to manage them. I'm so glad you're here. Today's tantrum of the week is about a four-year-old who is throwing an absolute fit when their two-year-old sibling chooses a toy that really has been long forgotten and not played with by the four-year-old. Four-year-old is screaming, pushing the younger sibling, grabbing the toy, screaming, This is mine, you can't have it, this is my favorite thing. You know it's not. You know it's not. You know they don't even play with it anymore. And they absolutely do not want little brother to have it. This is so common and it's absolutely infuriating for a lot of parents because they know, A, that this is not a high-value toy, and B, they also want their kid to learn how to share. This is an ethical topic. They really want their child to be able to master. They want them to have a generosity and they want them to be able to be polite and to take turns with others. So it can really set the stage for a lot of stress on the part, honestly, of everybody. Little sibling is crying now. They got pushed. All they know is that they saw a thing that they loved, nobody was using it, and they took it. And then their older sib, who they love beyond measure, is pushing them and screaming at them. Parents are upset that the little one's upset, and they're also really concerned about the older one's behavior. This four-year-old knows better. That's something that we do know. Kids know not to push, and they also know that not all things in the world are theirs. So, what do you do? In the moment, everybody just needs to take a breath. Help the little one, be sure nobody's hurt. Help the four-year-old, take beat, calm down. If you need to, you take the toy, you hold it, so that nobody is having a literal tug of war over this, and know that everybody's gonna calm down and you're gonna be able to manage it. Don't try to teach in the middle of the tantrum. Don't try to remind your four-year-old that they know that they have to share. Also, they don't even like that toy. Why can't they let their little sibling use it? Not right now. Those things will come. Right now, we're just calming down, being sure nobody's hurt, everybody's okay, we're all doing what we need to to calm ourselves down. After that has happened, you're helping your child regulate because you're regulated yourself. Believe it or not, it works. Then you can address what's happened in the moment. Listen, first of all, no aggression is ever acceptable. Period. We understand what's underneath this behavior. Your child's not bad because it really upset them to see their little sibling use this toy. And pushing, hitting is never okay. So I would start with that. You know what? She is not for hitting. And I can help you figure out who's going to use this toy. So that's what I would start with. No hitting, no pushing, and you're really upset. So you just want to acknowledge that feeling. Again, your four-year-old is not bad because this really upset them. They're not bad because they lost control. So you just want to acknowledge that their behavior was unacceptable with the aggression, no hitting, and that really upset you. That really made you mad that she used that toy. In the moment, you can say, again, she's not for hitting. I'm going to be able to help you figure this out. That can be your alternative that you offer. I'm going to give you some support. I'm going to help you figure it out. Kids are really learning about the ethics of ownership. They're learning about consent. They're also learning about, you know, their own ability to delay gratification. And when you're little, and four is still really little, even though they're not as little as the two-year-old, fours are still really figuring out where their ability to control their own behavior stops and starts. Sometimes it feels great, and sometimes it's almost impossible for them. So letting them know, you know what, you can stop yourself. I'm going to help you. Also, when you're four, if you don't have control of something in that moment, it might feel like you have lost it forever. So even though that stuffed animal is nothing you really care about anymore, you know what? It used to be. And also you might want it in the future. So the fact that this two-year-old now has it is unacceptable. And it can cause them to really sort of panic. I mean, not a genuine panic, but a real overwhelm of emotion. I love that. I did love that. And now they have it. What? So that's where the tantrum comes from, and you're reflecting that feeling to them can help them start to recognize it and then, believe it or not, control it in the future. So that's why it's important to sort of think about what's happening underneath these behaviors. Underneath the tantrum is a lesson, believe it or not. So another way that you can control in the moment is help teach some turn taking. So now is not the time to remind your child that they never like that and the two-year-old can just have it. That may be absolutely true. Instead, right now, what you're gonna do is say, you know what? It sounds like you want them to have a turn, and then you want a turn. No, it's mine! They cannot have a turn. She's gonna have it for five minutes. Do you want to turn after she's done? This is a great way to help them understand that they will get a chance to have the animal. It will feel like theirs, and sibling can have it too. This works in all kinds of circumstances on the playground. Enforced sharing can feel really hard to kids. You let her have that. She's little, you don't use that, she can have it. You don't have to do that, you can just say, you know what, she can have a turn, and then you can have another turn. This is a way to show that they can tolerate the giving it up, and they can also express the need to get it back. You do have to keep track of stuff. Maybe a timer on your phone is gonna help you. You know, you set the timer, you let them know, hey, listen, you have one more minute with that, and then it will be her turn. When the timer goes off, then you, you know, you're you want to stay really matter-of-fact about it. You don't want to be like, oh, please don't have another tantrum. Okay, you know what? Timer's up. It's her turn. Do you want to give it to her or do you want me to? That's a great way to ease the transition. If they start to like well up again, no, but I want it, it's still mine. It is still yours. Absolutely. She's just gonna have it for five minutes. Do you want to turn right after? You can keep going. Honestly, nine times out of ten, they don't really want it when their turn comes back around. And you can just say, Oh, it's your turn again. Do you want it? No. Okay, great. Move on. You don't need a lecture them. Why did you throw such a fit then? If you don't want another turn, no, it's okay. They gave it up. They understood they could get it back when they expressed a wish to, and they can do it in an appropriate way. That's the big lesson. Pushing, hitting, it's not gonna work. You're not gonna change your mind because they screamed and threw a tantrum. And they can say in an appropriate way, in a regular voice, I do want to turn with that. And you can help them get it. That's the lesson you want them to get. The bigger lesson that we want our kids to learn about sharing, we want it to come from a place of having enough. That's true sharing. So when they do have enough, when they can say what they need and know that we're gonna help them get it when we can, that gives them this feeling of, oh, I have enough. And then they can say, oh, you know what? I don't really want this anymore. Do you want to have this? They can give it up easy and with the true spirit of sharing and generosity that you really want them to have. I hope this helps with other tantrums of the week that are happening at your house. Let us know if you have any questions. We would love to answer them.