Welcome to Tantrum of the Week, the parenting podcast that helps you make sense of your child’s hardest moments. Hosted by Lynn McLean, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Registered Play Therapist-Supervisor™, each episode explores one real-life tantrum and uncovers the emotional needs, triggers, and stressors underneath.
You’ll learn how to:
Understand the why behind your child’s behavior
Respond with calm and confidence — not frustration
Build emotional regulation skills through connection
Use play therapy-informed parenting strategies that actually work
Whether you’re dealing with bedtime battles, sibling fights, or after-school meltdowns, Tantrum of the Week offers practical tips, expert insight, and a reminder that you’re not alone.
🎧 New episodes weekly. 📍 Based in Houston, Texas — helpful for parents everywhere.
•Lynn McLean, LCSW-S, Registered Play Therapist-Supervisor ™ •Episode 15
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It's the first day of middle school, and the shirt your kid loved last week is suddenly "unwearable." Cue slammed drawers, tears, and a full refusal to go. In this episode, we unpack why tantrums from bigger kids can feel so much more intense and personal and what's really going on underneath (hint: it's not about the shirt). You'll get simple, practical steps for staying calm, helping your child reset, and getting out the door without a battle.
Thanks for listening to *Tantrum of the Week* with Lynn McLean, LCSW-S, Registered Play Therapist–Supervisor™.
New episodes each week to help parents understand and respond to their child’s biggest feelings with calm, confidence, and connection.
This week's tantrum of the week comes from an age that we don't usually think of as tantruming. A middle schooler, a 12-year-old going into sixth grade, transitioning into middle school for the first time, and they have thrown a fit about wearing the shirt that they had picked specifically and bought with the parent to wear the first day of school. Now they're throwing a fit, slamming drawers, yelling, saying they're not going to school because they can't stand this shirt. They don't have anything to wear, they're not going, and this is it. It's so stressful for everybody when this happens. Usually mornings, parents are stressed under the gun when it comes to scheduling. Kids are probably stressed, they may not have gotten enough sleep the night before. It's not uncommon for um kids going through um puberty to need a lot more sleep than they're usually getting. And on top of all of that, this child is starting a new school where pretty familiar. They do have friends that go there, but it is a whole different social interaction. So the shirt was fine at the store. Everybody agreed on it. It's appropriate for school, it meets dress code requirements, and the fact that this child is refusing to go with this shirt or any other by that one is really throwing a wrench into the whole morning
routine. First of all, it's hard when tantrums are thrown by bigger kids because they can be a lot more volatile, they can be a lot more personal. Kids can really throw some hurtful comments at parents, and it can trigger a much bigger response than the parent may intend to give. So, first, I'm just gonna say my heart is going out to this parent because the first thing I, you know, I always ask you to do is just to try to stay calmer than your child. You may not be completely calm, but if you can be calmer than your child in the situation, you're gonna do a lot toward getting them to calm down themselves. You're gonna help them co-regulate. It can be really hard when your adolescent is throwing these insults at you. I can't believe you would have me wear something so ugly. You don't know anything about what I should wear. Who knows what they can come up with. And it can be really hard to try to keep your cool when that's going on. Also, you have the time pressure, and on top of all of it, I think this child's really understandable anxiety about fitting in, about if they're going to be able to succeed in this new environment. Middle school adds a whole set of demands on time, on prefrontal cortex needs, managing multiple classes, having a locker, changing classes, and managing the demands of each of those with regard to homework tests. All of it is a big deal. So the fact that this child is focusing on something that may feel trivial to a parent is actually really understandable. I bet all of us can think of times that we didn't feel like we were presenting in the way that we wished we could when we're stepping into a different situation. So thinking of those can be another way to help a parent calm down, help you take enough time to take a deep breath, get cooler than your child, get calmer than your child when they're having a tantrum.
And that way, then you can use one of the first skills that can help is not arguing. Yeah, you know what? You do have to get dressed. We are gonna go. You don't have a choice. That shirt was fine with you. I bought it especially for this, all of which is true, and not helpful. You want to start instead with reflecting their feeling. So I can tell you're really upset right now. It doesn't have to be any more complicated than that. I can tell you're so upset. You don't have to say anything else, just be with them in that moment. Maybe they can hear you when you say that once. You might need to say it more than one time. You might be able to say something like, you know what, you're so upset right now, I'm gonna give you a few minutes. Or if your child is one that the proximity, it helps them, you can say, you know, I'll just sit here with you for a moment while you're um figuring this out. You don't want to say anything to them like, well, you're gonna need to calm down, or um, you know, get it together, figure out something to wear, we're gonna leave. Instead, you just say, I'm gonna give you some time. You're figuring this out. Then you want to make your way through what hopefully will be a solution for both of you. So perhaps there is another shirt that y'all can come up with that can seem like a good alternative.
You may be able to offer that as an idea for your child if they tend to be more independent and they really want to figure it out themselves. Or it might be that, you know what, let me get you some ideas out of the closet. Here's where you probably want to set a little bit of a um a structure around this. I'm gonna give you five minutes to kind of calm down, splash your face with some cold water, choose a shirt that you feel comfortable with, and then we'll go. So all of it can be adjusted, even though I think we all are held responsible for being on time, getting kids to school on time, getting ourselves where we are supposed to be on time. And there's that whole idea, you know, on time means you're there early. All of that can just add stress, stress, stress to the parent, and also, of course, to the kid. They know all that. So um try to set that aside. Try to just stay in the moment, know that five minutes is not gonna be a make or break, especially if you can get your child calm enough to feel okay about going to school, about choosing something that they're gonna feel okay in. If it won't exacerbate things, you can talk a little bit more about how they're feeling about going to the new school. I know middle school is a big deal. It can be really hard to figure out how you want
a dress to go. You don't want to start upsetting them again and making it all worse, but also if you're just reflecting the feeling for them, it can help calm them down, let them know you understand. If that's too much for them, maybe something a little smaller, like you're gonna be able to figure this out. We're gonna help you. You're gonna find what you need. And I'm gonna give you again, you want to keep some structure around this because this cannot turn into probably it cannot turn into an all-day situation where you're negotiating about what to wear until lunchtime. Instead, you want to keep it moving. So, yeah, you know what? We we do have five minutes. Take a breath. If there's anything else that calms your child, you can suggest that. If your being there helps them calm, great. Keep track of your time, let them know, okay. Now you had some time, you did it. And when they do decide on either the shirt that you started with or a different one, who knows how it's gonna go. You don't want to make a big deal of it. You just want to snap back into a pretty business like that. Was really tricky and you did it. Amazing. All right, let's go. You got your backpack? Okay, let's get it. I'm gonna get my coffee, we're on our way. Um, don't belabor the point. You know, I did buy you that shirt special. I can't believe you're not liking it.
None of that helps right now. You just want to keep them moving, keep them um focusing on the things that are gonna help them transition into the new school. Maybe it's um, hey, listen, I'm gonna drop you off where I um dropped you off for orientation. You're gonna know exactly where you're going. Maybe it's directing them to a resource that feels helpful to them. You have your schedule. You know your first class, you know it's upstairs, it's gonna be to the right as you um after you get up the stairs, whatever that looks like for them. Help them move mentally into the next part of the day because that's a great transition for them. Also, help them know that you're gonna be thinking about them and that you have confidence in their ability to manage this transition. I can't wait to hear how this goes. I think there's gonna be a lot that you're gonna love. Maybe there's gonna be some hard parts. I can't wait to hear about all of it when I pick you up. The idea there is to say, I don't expect you to come home and tell me that it was all perfect. And I do think there's gonna be stuff you're gonna love or at least not hate. And also, I am gonna come back. So, do you remember those days when they were toddlers and you would always say, I'm always gonna come back and get you? We would
reinforce that for them. It's a similar process that our adolescents are going through. They're separating, they're finding their way, but they really want to know that we're still there for them. And that's what you're gonna be doing. Just this simple, yeah, I'm gonna pick you up, I'll pick you up over there. It's a reminder. I'm here, I'm coming back. Yep, I'm gonna be here for you, and I'll be thinking about you today. I hope some of these ideas land for you. We have lots of them, and in the meantime, hang in there. You got this.
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